Chess Humor (Huh?)

Hola darlings! Spring is in the air and I’m feeling romantic and sentimental, so I thought I’d do a little reminiscing about my days as the Chief, Cook and Botttle-washer at the old International Chessoid. The Chessoid (we affectionately called it TIC, a gentle rib at The Week in Chess – TWIC, but I don’t know if anyone ever "got" it) was online between 2001 and 2004. TIC made fun of everything that was chessly, including the players, the events, and most of all, ourselves. TIC’s staff was the stuff that tabloids are made of – those really cheesy ones (the tabloids, not the staff members) – and, of course, soap operas. I started TIC when Ricardo Calvo was still alive and he contributed behind-the-scenes commentary and ideas – but he never wanted to take any credit for it. Gee, I wonder why… In the earliest "Meet the Staff" pages, The Chief’s (our nickname for Ricardo) photo was prominently featured as "Dr. Shah T. Ranj," but I later swapped out his photograph for an anonymous actor from the 1940’s. It wasn’t that Ricardo objected, and his reputation as a chess scholar was sufficiently strong that he could have taken any ribbing he might have received for being affiliated with our "wild and crazy" group, but in a conservative moment (one of my few) I opted for "prudence." If anyone out there remembers those early editions (and the later editions were probably worse), perhaps you’ll understand why :) Of course, as all respectable chess tabloids do, we had running intrigues among the ever-evolving staff members – a takeover by an evil Russian ex-GM, and then a takeover by a rich American countess (she married into the title) who looked suspiciously like the actress Jennifer Jones, but she got killed by a crazy religious fundamentalist who was a member of the "Chess University" panel of chess experts. Features at TIC evolved over time but in time readers could count on a column/interview with Judit Polgar, the "Chess Pin-up of the Month" and, as a running gag, the same photo kept showing up in nearly each month’s edition – "The Alien and (fill in the blank) – shaking hands. LOL! It was also at TIC that those Fabulous Las Vegas Showgirls were first introduced to the world as chess commentators and board games scholars, relentless in their never-ending quest for the truth about the origins of – well, read them for yourselves. There are plans afoot to resurrect at least parts of the old International Chessoid. Until (and if) that happens, we do have a "Humor" section at Goddesschess – and here’s a little something I whipped up for a few chuckles (I hope). Enjoy! The Top Ten Ways How Not To Improve My Chess:

10. Staying up all night playing against the Bobby Fischer personality on Chessmaster 4000.

9. Thinking I’m pretty darn good if I get to move 22 playing against Bobby Fischer (see #10) before he checkmates me.

8. Getting into flame wars on chess message boards.

7. Inviting people I get into flame wars with to play chess with me online. 6. Not learning the correct move for the bishop until I was 21. 5. Reading trashy romance novels instead of studying Botvinnik’s 100 greatest games. 4. Allowing my 8 and 7 year old nephews to "win" because I feel sorry for them. 3. Never studying openings, middle games or end games. And I’m proud of it. 2. Thinking I can get by on my looks. 1. Knowing I made much more money as a lawyer.