Squirrel News

This is an hilarious story! Posted for the Maui News, "Second Thoughts," by Lynn Horner, April 15, 2008. What happened was this: I learned this morning I am not as addled as I’ve been telling myself, although I still can’t remember where I leave my glasses two, maybe three times a day. While standing in front of a kitchen window that looks out on the woodsy garden due east and contemplating the unfortunate chore of scooping the cats’ litter boxes, I noticed a large gray squirrel dragging something through the spikes of leaves that, barring a freak snowstorm, hold the promise of Stella d’Oro day lilies. Whatever his booty, it must have weighed as much as he did. What could it be? The raccoons had already made off with my Martha Stewart clogs . . . Because Nature is my religion, there are binoculars propped on books and hanging from hooks in strategic places all around the house; I grabbed the nearest pair and focused in. It was my favorite trowel. A trowel I looked for yesterday, for over an hour, and decided dementia was gaining momentum. I knew EXACTLY where I’d left it. Well. I thought I knew. What could a squirrel possibly want with my trowel? Was a family of squirrels gardening in the nether regions of the property? Planting nut trees and peanuts in the untamed area behind the garage? (Oregon is the filbert capital of the world, by the way. Filberts are what we call them in the Northwest; they’re hazelnuts elsewhere. Who knows and who even cares why.) I ran outside and reclaimed my trowel, which the squirrel dropped the minute he heard me holler: “HEY! Buy your own damn tools!”