Oh Those Showgirls! Kramnik! Anand!

Thursday, October 23, 2008, Bonn: Candi: I can't believe it - I just can't believe any of this is happening. Anand played (1) d4 again! Oh, Bambi, it's, it's - well, I just can't think of the right word at the moment - I'm sure it will come to me. Bambi: Candi, it's perfectly reasonable that Vishy would play (1) d4 again, since it's clear by now that is a line of play he's concentrated his home prep on for months. He's been successful with it too - unbelievably successful. Why mess with success? Candi: You've been reading the commentators again, haven't you. Bambi: Yes, and so have you. Candi: I can't believe that Vlady only managed a draw. Bambi: Well, he was playing black. Candi: Yes, but he had our secret weapon moves! Honestly, is it too much to ask the man to at least play them correctly? All that effort - down the toilet! Bambi: Candi, you did deliver the letter containing our moves to Vlady, didn't you? Candi: I gave the envelope to Leaky. He's the one who answered the door at Vlady's suite. Bambi: WHAT! Ooooh noooo! But you realize what this means - what must have happened! Candi: What? What happened? All I know is that Vlady didn't play the knight moves we sent him. Bambi: Exactly! That's because Leaky didn't give Vlady the letter, he read it himself but HE DIDN'T KNOW THE CODE! Candi: Ohmygoddess! I forgot! THE CODE! Bambi: He gave Vlady the moves, but he played them out of sequence! Ohmygoddess! Candi: Oh, oh, I think I feel faint again, Bambi. Bambi: Don't you faint on me again, Candi. Pull yourself together. We've got to think about what to do! Candi: Two days ago you were telling me to read your lips, that nothing could be done. Now you're thinking about what we can do? Bambi: I'm only trying to mitigate the damage that's already been done. You studied law - remember the concept - "Mitigation of Damages?" Anyway, you were the one who suggested "Knight Moves." Candi: Oh - right. Bambi: Candi, are you in love with Vlady? Candi: WHAT! Good Goddess, no. Absolutely not! Bambi! How could you think such a thing? Bambi: You've been acting strangely ever since we got here. You didn't know Vlady was married; and you fainted when you saw the wedding pictures! Were you carrying on with him? Candi: I have not been carrying on with Vlady here in Bonn. I fainted when I saw That Woman! And you know, Bambi, something has been knocking on the door of my brain ever since I saw her photograph. She reminds me of somebody, somebody we both know, only - I can't think of who it is she reminds me of! But I know we both know her. I'm surprised you haven't recognized her. Bambi: Before you told me that those photographs of Vlady's wife were of Olga Villiers, I had no idea what she looked like. I can't say I've seen that face before. And she would have been - Candi: I want to talk about The Hex. You said we were The Hex eight years ago in London. Bambi: Yes - I'm certain of it. The only thing that makes sense is that not only did Frogius blackmail me into doing his bidding, he blackmailed you, too! Candi: WHAT? Frogius blackmailed you too? Bambi: A ha! I see it all now! Frogius must have bet heavily against the line, and in order to reap the big pay-off, he had to make sure Kaspy lost to Vlady in the 2000 Brain Games Match. Oh Goddess, and there we were, ripe pickings to do his evil bidding. I cannot believe I was so incredibly stupid! I swear I'll hunt him down if it's the last thing I do - Candi: Oh please! You're upsetting me, Bambi. I hate to see you so - so - vengeful! Vengence is Mine, Sayeth the Lord. I Will Repay! So let's let the Lord do his vengence thingy, and we get out of Dodge while the getting is good. Sounds like a plan to me! I'll start packing - Bambi: Absolutely not. I'm not leaving here until we get to the bottom of this. Tell me this, Candi. Just what hook did Frogius use on you? Candi: Oh - I don't think I want to talk about it. Bambi: Tell me, it's vitally important! Candi: Bambi! Let me go, you're hurting me! Your acrylics are digging into my arms! Bambi: Oh, sorry. Just tell me how he forced you to having an affair with Kaspy. Candi: Well, oh - I can see now just how silly I was to believe him. But at the time, he was soooo convincing. Anyway, he told me that if I didn't do what he wanted, he'd make sure not only that The International Chessoid was wiped off the face of the internet, he'd get rid of Goddesschess, too! And Bambi, I just couldn't let that happen. I just couldn't! Bambi: Now, now, that's all right, Candi, that's all right. No need to get so emotional. My goodness, you really have been uber-emotional lately. Are you sure you're not - Candi: BAMBI! Gloria Belanova! GLORIA BELANOVA! Bambi: Who? Candi: Oh, don't tell me you don't remember her! She was the Riktonator's Personal Assistant for 21 years - his faithful everything! She was to Frogius what Della Street was to Perry Mason! She's the person I had the brain knocking on, the one I couldn't remember. Only now I do. It was Gloria, Gloria - I think I've got your number, Gloria - Bambi: Ohmygoddess! Now I remember! Candi: Look at their pictures side by side - I think - Bambi! I'm having a brain flash - they're Mother and Daughter! Bambi: Ohmygoddess! Frogius sent his own daughter to London to interview Kaspy after that disastrous tournament! And - and -- Candi: Yes? And - and -- Bambi: I haven't got that far in this narrative yet, give me a night to sleep on it, I'll dream something up --

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Holy Pawn! What new revelations will the Showgirls next uncork on us, I ask you? Wow! I'm hyperventilating, darlings, I can't keep up! Intrigue! Romance! Sex? Chess - only Vlady can't follow directions, only he didn't know, because Leaky kept the letter from him, and didn't know The Code! Wait a minute - what is this "Code" business, anyway? And just what were those "Knight Moves" the Girls put in that letter delivered to GM Kramnik's suite, into the hands of GM Peter Leko (one of a team of Seconds)? Will Vishy play (1) d4 tomorrow, in Game 8? Will the Girls put together the rest of the story behind the story of what really happened in London eight years ago? And what is really happening behind the scenes in Bonn today? Will Vlady, er, GM Vladimir Kramnik, have a miraculous epiphany, and suddenly begin playing absolutely brilliant chess, winning the match (wins in 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12, for good measure)? Okay, probably not.