Thursday, October 13, 2011

Squirrel Threatens Dire Consequences

The truth can now be told.  That squirrel who mysteriously seemed to appear out of nowhere during a certain recent Phillies/Cardinals play-off game was actually a saboteur planted by none other than - yours truly!  Yep, that's right.  The courageous squirrel, who shall remain unnamed in order to protect her family, traveled with me to St. Louis from Milwaukee back on September 8, 2011 -- well before the Cardinals had clinched the wild card berth.  But of course we all knew even then it would be a Brewers-Cardinals rematch, this time not for the World Series Title but for the National League Championship Title that all Brewers fans knew we would clinch.  Our Milwaukee beer gives us remarkable precognitive powers...

Brewers fans have very long memories, darlings.  Very long memories.  While hoodlums were burning down St. Louis in celebration of their pooping all over the place red birds stealing winning the 1982 World Series in Game 7, more than 250,000 faithful cheering Brewers fans turned out for a welcome home ticker-tape parade to pay tribute to the true champions - the Brewers -  that took them slowly up Wisconsin Avenue from the lakefront in open cars for nearly two miles.  I was one of those cheering clapping fans that day, stationed near the end of the parade route.  It was an unforgettable moment.

Back to my ingenious plan!  Said Ms. Squirrel accompanied me disguised as a cat in a carry-on pet travel cage that neatly fit under the seat in front.  The flight was a scant hour and she was quite comfortable, although she did not like going through the x-ray thingy in security.  I didn't write about it before - obviously - because that would have given away the plan! 

Once we hit the hotel Ms. Squirrel was let out of her travel cage, and she happily scampered up and down the bricks outside the windows of our suite until Saturday afternoon.  I fed her plenty of nuts! While poor 'Sis lay sick in bed with a bad stomach complaint, Ms. Squirrel (hidden in my large Las Vegas tote) and I left the hotel and headed toward Busch Stadium.  The memory makes me shudder still!  I gave Ms. Squirrel a final briefing.  Together we hid about the stadium around 100 pounds of nuts I'd had delivered there the day before (I won't tell you how the nuts or we got in) and then I bid Ms. Squirrel adieu.  She knew what she had to do.  She knew she might not ever make it back to Milwaukee.  She knew I would take care of her family for generations to come in the best Newton style.  Ms. Squirrel is a true Brewers fan, willing to sacrifice herself for the sake of her team!

Ahhhh, and she did it so well, too!

But wait - that's not the end of the story, darlings.  There is a method to our squirrely madness.  Part 2 of the master plot was revealed today in The Wall Street Journal:


LeTR fROm thE RaLLy SQuiRRel AtTornEY


My NaMe is RiChaRD FLuFFYTAIL, III, EsQ. I am A SQuiRReL AttornEY with the FiRm of ACoRN, ChEStNUT and PINECone, LLP. I am LICsenSED To pRaCTicE SQuiRReL LaW IN the STaTe of MissOUri as WEll as CAliForNia, New YORK anD aLL FOREsTS.

iT haS ComE To MY aTTenSHUN That ThE SAiNT LOuis CaRDiNaLs haVe Been UsinG the LikENess of My CLienT, "RaLLY SQuiRReL," In TEEM maTERiALs dURinG tHe NaTIONAl LeAgUe ChaMPEENshup SeeeRiES.

ThiS SAiNT LOuis SquiRREL obSESSION is REpoRTEdLY FuELLED by a SigHTing of My CLIiENT rUNNing past Home Plate iN a DIvisinAL Playoff GamE WhErE the CaRDs BEet THE PhiLADelPHia FiLLies.

NoW All of SAiNT LOuis SeEeMs tO thInk A "RaLLY SQuiRReL" HelPs it Win BaSEBaLL Games. OK, whATever. YOU HuManS are StrAnGE.

BuT tHe CaRDs Are NOw MaKIng iTemS with my CLIenT's LikeNESS. TherE are "rALLy SQuiRReL" toWELs aNd TEE sHirtz tHaT SAy "GOT SQuiRReL?"

WorsE of All, The Cards aRe selling StuFFed RaLLy SQuiRReLs. ThAT's an InSULt anD OfFenSIVe to my CLIENT and SQuiRReLs EveryWHEre.

On beHalf of my CLIent and ALL SQuiRReLs , I aM WritING to DEEmAND ThaT the CaRDiNals CeASE and DESIsT All mAnUFACture and SAle oF RaLLy SQuiRReL ProDucts for The FOLLOwing ReAsOnS:

The CaRDiNAls HAVE no AUTHOrity To RePREsent ANY AffiLiaTion or RElAtionSHip BeeetWEen the Team and my CLIent.
The CaRDiNAls HAVE miSAPPORPRIated the RaLLy SQuiRReL iMAge without DUe ComPENsaTion.
The CaRDiNAls HAVE createD an ASSoCiAtion Beetween the TEAm and my CLIent thaT diminiSHEs tHe RePUtatiON of my CLIent to the BeNEFIT of tHe CaRDiNAls.
(IMPRessIVE right? I DID not SPEND 3 Years eaTIng RAMEn IN SQuiRREL laW School For NUTTin!)

ThE CaRDINals CaN to MaKe ThInGs RiGHT, hoWEver.

First, They NEEd To REleaSE My Client, The RaLLY SQuiRREL CapTURed at BuSCH STaDiUm.

His REaL Name is CHuCK. hE was JUst TrYinG tO get HOme frOm woRK.

CHuCK neeDs to Be abLE to MaKE a LIVinG. He HAs 238 SQuiRREL kiDs.
238! Do YoU KnoW WHAT SQUirrel priVATE SchOOl cOSts theSE DAYs?

HEre are SiX thINGs the CarDINaLs can Do FOR ChuCk:

1. CHuCK the Rally SQUIRReL WanTs you TO BUY HiM soME PEeNUTS and CRACKer JacKS. AcTUALLY He WaNTs aLL tHe PEeNUTS and CRACKer JacKS.

2. CHuCK the Rally SQUIRReL waNTs to SiT in the CaRDs DugOUT at BuScH. No MOre of THis EMBaRrassING ruNNING AcROSS Plate and LOokING for a SEat Stuff.

3. CHuCK the Rally SQUIRReL WanTs to PinCH run for the CARdiNAls AS mUCh AS POSSiBle.

4. CHuCK the Rally SQUIRReL waNTs an AUToGraPHEd Stan MUSIal jersey.

5. CHuCK the Rally SQUIRReL WoulD likE To eat FRIed CHICKEN and DrINK Beer AND play VIDEO GAmes DURING GaMEs like RED Sox Pitchers.

6. ChUCK the Rally SQUIRReL wud LiKe to meet HeLeN MirrEN. Not SURe WHat ThaT has TO Do With BASeBAll, But Make IT haPPEn.

MAke NO MiSTake: CHuCK and aLL sQuiRreLs like The CaRdInAls and EspECially thEiR ManAGer, TonEE LaRuSSA. TonEE LaRuSSA maY not SEEM liKE a BarrEL of LAFFS buT hE is a FRIenD to ALL aniMALS.

LaRuSSA is EveN a friend To the CATS, Which THe SQUIrrels dO not UNDersTAND. HaVE u EVeR tRieD to NeGOtiaTe with a CAT? TODAL NigHTmaRE. (WorSe than RaTz!)

OKaY that Is ALL, SAiNT LOUis, PLeeze TaKE thiS LeTTer seRIOUsLy.

IF you Do NOT Agree to ouR demands, and You ConTInue to MAke anD SeLL "RaLLy SQuiRReL" ITemS, we ShaLL have NO chOIce to Sign WiTh the CUBs in 2012. And TAke ALBerT PuLJOLs With US.

YoU HaVe BeeN WarnED!


So, okay, Ms. Squirrel did not really type that letter.  I did.  Pretty neat, heh? 

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