Squirrel Threatens Dire Consequences

The truth can now be told.  That squirrel who mysteriously seemed to appear out of nowhere during a certain recent Phillies/Cardinals play-off game was actually a saboteur planted by none other than - yours truly!  Yep, that's right.  The courageous squirrel, who shall remain unnamed in order to protect her family, traveled with me to St. Louis from Milwaukee back on September 8, 2011 -- well before the Cardinals had clinched the wild card berth.  But of course we all knew even then it would be a Brewers-Cardinals rematch, this time not for the World Series Title but for the National League Championship Title that all Brewers fans knew we would clinch.  Our Milwaukee beer gives us remarkable precognitive powers...

Brewers fans have very long memories, darlings.  Very long memories.  While hoodlums were burning down St. Louis in celebration of their pooping all over the place red birds stealing winning the 1982 World Series in Game 7, more than 250,000 faithful cheering Brewers fans turned out for a welcome home ticker-tape parade to pay tribute to the true champions - the Brewers -  that took them slowly up Wisconsin Avenue from the lakefront in open cars for nearly two miles.  I was one of those cheering clapping fans that day, stationed near the end of the parade route.  It was an unforgettable moment.

Back to my ingenious plan!  Said Ms. Squirrel accompanied me disguised as a cat in a carry-on pet travel cage that neatly fit under the seat in front.  The flight was a scant hour and she was quite comfortable, although she did not like going through the x-ray thingy in security.  I didn't write about it before - obviously - because that would have given away the plan! 

Once we hit the hotel Ms. Squirrel was let out of her travel cage, and she happily scampered up and down the bricks outside the windows of our suite until Saturday afternoon.  I fed her plenty of nuts! While poor 'Sis lay sick in bed with a bad stomach complaint, Ms. Squirrel (hidden in my large Las Vegas tote) and I left the hotel and headed toward Busch Stadium.  The memory makes me shudder still!  I gave Ms. Squirrel a final briefing.  Together we hid about the stadium around 100 pounds of nuts I'd had delivered there the day before (I won't tell you how the nuts or we got in) and then I bid Ms. Squirrel adieu.  She knew what she had to do.  She knew she might not ever make it back to Milwaukee.  She knew I would take care of her family for generations to come in the best Newton style.  Ms. Squirrel is a true Brewers fan, willing to sacrifice herself for the sake of her team!

Ahhhh, and she did it so well, too!

But wait - that's not the end of the story, darlings.  There is a method to our squirrely madness.  Part 2 of the master plot was revealed today in The Wall Street Journal:

JASON GAY OCTOBER 13, 2011

LeTR fROm thE RaLLy SQuiRRel AtTornEY

DEaR PEEpLE of SAiNT LOuIs,

My NaMe is RiChaRD FLuFFYTAIL, III, EsQ. I am A SQuiRReL AttornEY with the FiRm of ACoRN, ChEStNUT and PINECone, LLP. I am LICsenSED To pRaCTicE SQuiRReL LaW IN the STaTe of MissOUri as WEll as CAliForNia, New YORK anD aLL FOREsTS.

iT haS ComE To MY aTTenSHUN That ThE SAiNT LOuis CaRDiNaLs haVe Been UsinG the LikENess of My CLienT, "RaLLY SQuiRReL," In TEEM maTERiALs dURinG tHe NaTIONAl LeAgUe ChaMPEENshup SeeeRiES.

ThiS SAiNT LOuis SquiRREL obSESSION is REpoRTEdLY FuELLED by a SigHTing of My CLIiENT rUNNing past Home Plate iN a DIvisinAL Playoff GamE WhErE the CaRDs BEet THE PhiLADelPHia FiLLies.

NoW All of SAiNT LOuis SeEeMs tO thInk A "RaLLY SQuiRReL" HelPs it Win BaSEBaLL Games. OK, whATever. YOU HuManS are StrAnGE.

BuT tHe CaRDs Are NOw MaKIng iTemS with my CLIenT's LikeNESS. TherE are "rALLy SQuiRReL" toWELs aNd TEE sHirtz tHaT SAy "GOT SQuiRReL?"

WorsE of All, The Cards aRe selling StuFFed RaLLy SQuiRReLs. ThAT's an InSULt anD OfFenSIVe to my CLIENT and SQuiRReLs EveryWHEre.

On beHalf of my CLIent and ALL SQuiRReLs , I aM WritING to DEEmAND ThaT the CaRDiNals CeASE and DESIsT All mAnUFACture and SAle oF RaLLy SQuiRReL ProDucts for The FOLLOwing ReAsOnS:

•The CaRDiNAls HAVE no AUTHOrity To RePREsent ANY AffiLiaTion or RElAtionSHip BeeetWEen the Team and my CLIent.
The CaRDiNAls HAVE miSAPPORPRIated the RaLLy SQuiRReL iMAge without DUe ComPENsaTion.
•The CaRDiNAls HAVE createD an ASSoCiAtion Beetween the TEAm and my CLIent thaT diminiSHEs tHe RePUtatiON of my CLIent to the BeNEFIT of tHe CaRDiNAls.
(IMPRessIVE right? I DID not SPEND 3 Years eaTIng RAMEn IN SQuiRREL laW School For NUTTin!)

ThE CaRDINals CaN to MaKe ThInGs RiGHT, hoWEver.

First, They NEEd To REleaSE My Client, The RaLLY SQuiRREL CapTURed at BuSCH STaDiUm.
HE is A POLITicAL PRIsONER and noT An AnonYMOUs SQuiRREL or MASCOT.

His REaL Name is CHuCK. hE was JUst TrYinG tO get HOme frOm woRK.

CHuCK neeDs to Be abLE to MaKE a LIVinG. He HAs 238 SQuiRREL kiDs.
238! Do YoU KnoW WHAT SQUirrel priVATE SchOOl cOSts theSE DAYs?

HEre are SiX thINGs the CarDINaLs can Do FOR ChuCk:

1. CHuCK the Rally SQUIRReL WanTs you TO BUY HiM soME PEeNUTS and CRACKer JacKS. AcTUALLY He WaNTs aLL tHe PEeNUTS and CRACKer JacKS.

2. CHuCK the Rally SQUIRReL waNTs to SiT in the CaRDs DugOUT at BuScH. No MOre of THis EMBaRrassING ruNNING AcROSS Plate and LOokING for a SEat Stuff.

3. CHuCK the Rally SQUIRReL WanTs to PinCH run for the CARdiNAls AS mUCh AS POSSiBle.

4. CHuCK the Rally SQUIRReL waNTs an AUToGraPHEd Stan MUSIal jersey.

5. CHuCK the Rally SQUIRReL WoulD likE To eat FRIed CHICKEN and DrINK Beer AND play VIDEO GAmes DURING GaMEs like RED Sox Pitchers.

6. ChUCK the Rally SQUIRReL wud LiKe to meet HeLeN MirrEN. Not SURe WHat ThaT has TO Do With BASeBAll, But Make IT haPPEn.

MAke NO MiSTake: CHuCK and aLL sQuiRreLs like The CaRdInAls and EspECially thEiR ManAGer, TonEE LaRuSSA. TonEE LaRuSSA maY not SEEM liKE a BarrEL of LAFFS buT hE is a FRIenD to ALL aniMALS.

LaRuSSA is EveN a friend To the CATS, Which THe SQUIrrels dO not UNDersTAND. HaVE u EVeR tRieD to NeGOtiaTe with a CAT? TODAL NigHTmaRE. (WorSe than RaTz!)

OKaY that Is ALL, SAiNT LOUis, PLeeze TaKE thiS LeTTer seRIOUsLy.

IF you Do NOT Agree to ouR demands, and You ConTInue to MAke anD SeLL "RaLLy SQuiRReL" ITemS, we ShaLL have NO chOIce to Sign WiTh the CUBs in 2012. And TAke ALBerT PuLJOLs With US.

YoU HaVe BeeN WarnED!

SINceRELy.
RiChaRD FLuFFYTAIL, III
ACoRN, ChEStNUT and PINECone, LLP

So, okay, Ms. Squirrel did not really type that letter.  I did.  Pretty neat, heh? 

Supporting Local Chess: New Chess Club for St. Louis, MO

This place sounds fantastic! Story from South Side Journal Chess kings and queens get new castle By Dominic Immer Wednesday, July 9, 2008 12:06 PM CDT Local chess fans will soon be making a move. Fans who now play chess in coffeehouses, bars and restaurants will soon be checking opponents at the Chess Club and Scholastic Center, located at 4657 Maryland Avenue in the Central West End. The club is set to open July 17th. “Lots of cities have chess clubs. St. Louis is due for one,” said Tony Rich, executive director of the club. The three level, 6,000-square-foot building possesses an array of features including eight DGT chess boards, 8 hand-made wooden chess tables, 10 plasma screen televisions, video installation art and an adjustable lighting system. The primary colors of the club are black and white — the colors of a traditional chess board. The DGT chess boards can transmit games in progress to the plasma TVs for viewing by spectators. The TVs will also display other club information. Diana Thater, a video installation artist, created art for the chess club on six 46-inch LCD screens. Video installation art is art based on moving pictures. The art in this case recreates famous chess games, including the game of the century between Bobby Fischer and Donald Byrne. Nate Cohen of Cohen Architectural Woodworking in St. James, Mo., crafted the eight hand-made wooden chess tables for the chess center.Most of the money to begin the chess club came from Rex Sinquefield, the president and chairman of the chess club board. Sinquefield is a retired St. Louis investment banker and a political activist. He founded Dimensional Fund Advisors, investment company with his associate, David Booth. A main objective of the Chess Club and Scholastic Center is to promote the game of chess in area schools as a part of the curriculum. The First Move national program has already incorporated chess in five St. Louis public schools. “They learned about thinking critically and making decisions,” said Brian Zimerman, principal of Mann Elementary School in Tower Grove South. The chess club hopes to expand what First Move has done to include more grade levels and ultimately more schools. “There have been lots of research studies done, none of them scientifically rigorous, that have shown a nice relationship between cognitive abilities and improvement in their attendance records and a decrease in behavioral issues,” Rich said. The chess club wants to repeat those studies in a more scientific manner to prove the benefit of teaching chess in schools. Frank Van Bree is president and chief executive officer of UrbanFUTURE, which works with impoverished children in some city schools. His program is working with the club to expand the influence of chess in schools. Van Bree said that chess can continue to be useful in later grades, because as children’s thinking becomes more complex, so does chess. Chess can improve children’s self esteem and keep them out of trouble, Van Bree said, and the chess club would be a great place for children to spend time. Chess can have specific benefits for children in poverty, including helping them maintain some control over their world and helping them learn that considering the future is important, Van Bree said. “Poverty is a very reactive lifestyle,” he said. “If you can introduce chess, that’s all about planning two or three moves ahead.” While the chess club wants to attract new players, it also aims to provide a steady place to play for those already immersed in the game, Rich said. Members will receive several privileges including open play six days a week, discounted entry fees for club tournaments, and free use of the chess books and DVDs in the club library. The club also provides sets and clocks for matches. “We will have all the equipment that you need to play chess at the club,” Rich said. “All you have to do is bring your brain.” Rich wants the chess center to be an active and important part of the culture of St. Louis. “The Chess Club and Scholastic Center is going to be on par with places like the zoo and the history museum and the art museum,” he said. Rich looks forward to the club opening on July 17th. The club already has more than 60 members and Rich sees a lot of room for growth within St. Louis. He said about 750 people in the St. Louis area played in tournaments in the past year. His sales pitch to chess players is simple.“You have to see the club,” he said.