Marriage Seems to Be in Trouble in the United Arab Emirates

Not just an issue in the United States, where 50% of marriages end in divorce year in, and year out, for too many years now.  Even when I first started working in the legal field, as a secretary, way back in 1970, the divorce rate had reached 30%.  It's only grown worse since then.

Sacred vows have become a joke.  When did it become commonplace to just turn our backs on vows because it gets "too hard" or "too boring?"

This really is a world-wide issue now, and it has dire consequences for our collective future, because regardless of how much we like to pretend otherwise, it is still best to raise our children in a stable two-person marriage; and children who are born into "serial monogamy" are affected by our collective actions.

From The National Online

Marriage is an unplanned commitment in the UAE

Asmaa Al Hameli | May 23, 2013

This week, The National reported that in 2006 and 2007, 80% of newlyweds had filed for divorce before completing their first anniversary. This is the most shocking news I have read since joining the newspaper. Many of us have become afraid of the prospects of marriage when hearing about all these divorce stories.In the modern world, when a man asks for a woman’s hand in marriage it is like applying for a job. Previously, families would thoroughly vet the suitor, from his mannerism, religiosity, background, history and relationship with his parents in the same manner as checking references listed on a CV. Unfortunately, old is not gold for the majority. Today, it seems priority is given to certain items on the CV and the rest is simply overlooked.

When people apply for a new job, many of them rarely think about their position and what they wish to achieve in two to five years. Without a roadmap they get bored of their new job after few months and decide to quit. Sadly, the same scenario is befalling most young Emirati couples. Too often, the couple fantasise about their honeymoon, being with their Mr. or Mrs Right for eternity, and they forget to plan ahead. Marriage is not a two- to three-year bond, it is a long lasting relationship which many of us fail to grasp.

There is a misconception that love can conquer all obstacles. This notion works perfectly in a Hollywood or Bollywood love story that lasts a couple of hours and ends in a beautiful union – but it does not apply to real life.

Nor does reaching certain age mean a person is ready to get married.

As a Muslim nation, we are commanded by the Prophet to look for two traits in a spouse: religiosity and mannerism because both go hand-in-hand. Other factors, such as a man’s education and profession, are secondary.

When receiving a proposal, families should not be hasty in their response. Nor should they push their children to marry someone, because eventually it will be the couple’s future children who will bear the consequences, not them.

If we take the time to properly investigate the possible life partners for our children, it could go a long way in cutting down the divorce rate.

Choosing a Bride in 13th Century Cairo

Choosing a bride in 13th-century Cairo

09/16/2011 17:07 By RENÉE LEVINE MELAMMED

Aside from being isolated and beaten regularly, she had married an inconsiderate, heartless and selfish man.

In 1219, Shlomo ben Elijah, a scribe, bookseller and teacher, known as the Melammed, wrote to his aunt, Umm Da’ud, asking for her daughter’s hand. It was not unusual to marry one’s first cousin, and Shlomo, who earned his living as a cantor and teacher in the community of Bilbays (north of Cairo), was certain that the daughter of his father’s sister would be a desirable bride. The question was, of course, whether he would be a desirable groom.

Shlomo’s father was the eminent judge Elijah ben Zechariah, who served in the rabbinic court of Fustat (old Cairo) with Abraham, the son of Maimonides. Shlomo was Elijah’s favorite son despite the fact that his firstborn, Abu Zikri, was a doctor and a far more pleasant person.

At any rate, Shlomo informed his aunt that he would be happy to wed his cousin Sitt al-Yumn. If she accepted his proposal, he’d come to Cairo for the wedding but stay for no more than 10 days; because teachers were employed privately, it was too risky to be away any longer. Although he was often in debt, he offered any bride payment (mohar) desired. Because his aunt knew he was considered to be sickly, he emphasized twice that he was in good health.

Letters found among the Cairo Geniza documents thus far do not include any reply, but we know that Shlomo’s offer was rejected because his aunt later wrote a letter to his older brother describing her daughter’s wedding. She mentions the groom’s name (the Arabic equivalent of Nathaniel), but Shlomo’s name is not mentioned in the letter at all. The aunt described the lovely kiddush in which her brother, the judge, was seated at the dais together with other important members of the community.

So whom did Shlomo marry? Apparently he turned to his mother’s side of the family in Alexandria and successfully arranged to marry Sitt Ghazal, the daughter of his mother’s sister.

The huppa was held in Alexandria; the young and somewhat spoiled bride was then whisked off to Fustat. Her father died soon after and Sitt Ghazal was truly miserable. Unfortunately, Shlomo had no comprehension of her situation and as Arieh Leo Motzkin discovered [“A Thirteenth-Century Jewish Teacher in Cairo,” Journal of Jewish Studies 21 (1970): 49-64], he elected to beat his bride.

Her father’s brother had now assumed responsibility for his teenage niece and explained to Shlomo that the girl desperately needed consolation for her loss and a bit of tender loving care rather than beatings. A move to Alexandria was suggested, but the groom claimed this was not feasible because there were not enough students from good families there to pay his salary.

Uncle Abu’l Barakat tried to persuade Shlomo to employ common sense, compassion and a bit of psychology in order to help improve this horrible domestic situation. He begged the groom not to ruin his niece’s life and tried to encourage her directly via letters. However, it turned out that Sitt Ghazal had more than ample reason to be depressed. Aside from being isolated and beaten regularly, she had married an inconsiderate, heartless and selfish man.

To add to her troubles, Shlomo’s wife miscarried in the fifth month of her pregnancy; when she finally gave birth to a daughter, the infant died at the age of three months. Her husband was convinced that she was feigning illness in order to avoid work. The description of her that he himself provides reflects the seriousness of her mental health: she ceased to wear any makeup or even comb her hair. Shlomo was oblivious to the fact that his wife was unable to cope with all the losses she has sustained on her own; apathy was a direct result. Unfortunately, there was no happy end (or even divorce papers) for this couple, or at least, nothing more has been discovered thus far in the Cairo Geniza documents.

Renée Levine Melammed is a professor of Jewish history and dean at the Schechter Institute as well as academic editor of the journal Nashim. She has published books and articles on Sephardi and Oriental Jewry and on Jewish women.

Al-Ahram Article on Marriage in Ancient Egypt

I am keeping in mind that there are probably millions of people in he world who would be shocked and offended, even angered, by the contents of this article.  Women having rights?  Women being able to divorce freely?  Women being able to work independently outside the home and have their own property? Abominations!  Al-Ahram was quite gutsy to publish this article.

Published in Cairo by AL-AHRAM established in 1875
8 - 14 July 2010
Issue No. 1006

Donkey dowry
How did the ancient Egyptians manage their marital life? Nevine El-Aref ponders on the gender role of the ancient wife

Marriage and family were the core of ancient Egyptian society, and their practice of early marriage stemmed from their belief that a committed and happy family would lead to secure and contented children who would be the future adults of a stable society. (Image from article - Tutankhamun a/k/a King Tut and his wife, Ankhsenamun.  In the article [click link above], if you click on the caption beneath the image you will be taken to a larger one which shows much more detail.  The love and tenderness between this young couple that radiates from this image, even within the confines of Egyptian art, speaks even after 3,200 years.)

"Although we don't have any texts that mention marriage formalities, legal documents show clearly that married men and women had well-defined responsibilities," Secretary-General of the Supreme Council of Antiquities Zahi Hawass says.

According to the history books, husbands and wives had several joint and separate marital activities. The bride might bring with her into the marriage domestic equipment, textiles and sometimes a donkey -- the main means of transport at the time. The groom built the house and gave his wife commodities and items of jewellery.

"Contracts defined property rights within the marriage, like qayma nowadays, were among the marriage rituals from the Third Intermediate Period and the New Kingdom," Hawass told Al-Ahram Weekly. Such contracts were between a husband and his father-in-law. There were also other contracts recording the material rights of the wife, sometimes even the amount of food and clothing her husband should provide her with annually. In the case of divorce, the wife usually received a third of the joint property as well as whatever she brought with her into the house. By the Late Period the wife as well as the husband could initiate divorce. "This right shocked the misogynist Greeks of that time," Hawass points out.

While a woman was allowed only one husband, a man could have more than one wife if he could afford it. "But perhaps because of the influence of the ideal example of the divine couple Isis and Osiris, most marriages were monogamous," Hawass suggests, adding that a man or a woman could remarry in case of divorce or widowhood.

Although not uncommon, divorce was a private matter between a married couple. The causes of divorce might be inability to conceive, abuse, adultery, infertility, or wanting to marry another woman. If the divorce were contested, the partner was interrogated before the local court. Property contracts detailing a woman's share of joint property in the case of divorce were safeguards so that she would not be left destitute or a burden on her father's household, to which she would presumably return. "They also must have been a deterrent to the hasty repudiation of a spouse," Hawass says.

Women were not forced to sit at home and raise children. On the contrary they had the right to work and did so in several domains, except for the military and government. Spinning, weaving and domestic work were common jobs among ancient Egyptian women, and when Hawass discovered the Pyramid builders' necropolis on the Giza Plateau he discovered that women played their role in the construction of the Pyramids. He told the Weekly that according to objects found there women cooked for the builders, ground grain and baked bread. They also nursed sick or injured workmen and dealt with field operations and broken limbs. Throughout the course of history women sought employment as wet nurses, manicurists, musicians, singers and priestesses.

"In fact," Hawass says, "women were silent but very well interpreted."

© Copyright Al-Ahram Weekly. All rights reserved

A Happy Ending

I just love happy endings! I live for happy endings. You may not think it, judging from some of the posts I've made today, but darlings, we all need a little light amidst the gloom and - believe it or not - I'm a person who sees the glass half full rather than half empty! Check out this "modern romance." Ahhh, it's so wonderful, and all the more so because they first met 30 years ago and she's now in her late 50's and not "slim" and he's 65 and no longer "Robert Redford." It's never too late to find love. This story would make a fine movie! Marriage of Michelle Mead and John Armour From The New York Times By DEVAN SIPHER Published: June 22, 2008

Central Park Blessings of Marriages

This sounds like a lot of fun! Blessing of the Brides and Grooms This Saturday in Central Park, June 14 From Wedlok.com Join us for our annual Wedding Goddess Blessing of the Brides and Grooms in Central Park on June 14, 2008, at 4 PM. This is the only event of its kind for engaged couples in New York City. Brides and their grooms, of all faiths and backgrounds, join us each year in one of the most sacred parts of Central Park. The blessing is in a place blessed by the hundreds of weddings that are held their each year. Space is limited so you must RSVP to let us know you want to attend, and for location information. The Blessing of the Brides and Grooms is a ceremony before your ceremony, to help you feel more relaxed, centered and confident …show you how to visualize your wedding going your way … and empower you to be present and there for one another on your big day! It is a blessing meant to help give your marriage the best possible start. The Blessing of the Brides and Grooms is offered by husband and wife officiants, Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway and Rev. Vic Fuhrman. Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway is a leading interfaith and non-denominational wedding officiant. She creates unique ceremonies for couples of all backgrounds and faiths, and is also widely recognized as a bridal stress expert. She is editor of Wedlok.com and author of Wedding Goddess and Your Perfect Wedding Vows. Rev. Victor Fuhrman is an ordained Interfaith Minister. He was officiant for “The Knot Presents My Celebrity Wedding” in 2007. He has been a Reiki Master Teacher since 1996 and heals with both his touch and his voice. He’s a meditation expert for Beliefnet.com and co- author of Pet Prayers and Blessings. [Oh, well, that makes him a real expert on marriage, then...] Our wish for all brides and grooms is that your journey to the altar be blessed! And that their marriages have the best start ever. This blessing is our gift to you each year! PLEASE RSVP to Rev. Laurie Sue ASAP!

* * * * * *

So, who is this unnamed "Wedding Goddess?" It's none other than the Goddess Aphrodite-Mari, from which the Latin word maritare (union under the auspices of the Goddes Aphrodite-Mari occurred).