Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Oh Those Showgirls! Kramnik! Anand!

We last left Candi gracefully passed out on the bear skin rug in front of the fireplace in the Library of the cushy Villa the Girls rented in Bonn during their assignment for Goddesschess: A little while later - Bambi: Candi! Oh, Thank Goddess! You scared the life out of me, collapsing like that! You've never ever fainted before! Don't you ever do that to me again! Candi: Ooooh, ooooh, I feel so strange, Bambi. I think I need something to drink. Bambi: Here's some Boobie Beer - Candi: No, Chivas Regal. Please. With a cherry. Bambi: Are you kidding me? Where do you expect me to come up with some Chivas Regal in the middle of Bonn? Candi: Suitcase - secret compartment. Bambi: Oh - okay, hold on -- Candi: Don't forget the jar of cherries... -- a few minutes later Bambi emerges from the Candi's bedroom with a velvet-covered bottle in one hand and a jar of marischino cherries in the other -- Bambi: Okay, here we are. Over ice? Soda? Candi: Neat, please. I feel just like Patricia Neal! Bambi: Now you're being historical. Candi: Don't you mean hysterical? I feel a bit screamy, actually, and I think I'm seeing pink elephants, too. Bambi: No, I said historical and I meant historical. Patricia Neal, indeed. I've seen that movie too, you know. It's one of my favorites! Now, what was this fainting all about. Candi - tell me true - are your expecting an interesting event? Candi: No, I've been very regular this trip, but thank you for asking. I think it's the grapefruit -- Bambi: That wasn't what I was asking about - oh, never mind. What made you faint? Candi: It was That Woman! Bambi: What woman? Candi: Bambi - are you blind? That Woman! Olga Villiers! The one who interviewed Kasparov for that story in The International Chessoid's December, 2000 End of the Millennium Mega-Edition! The one where he kept saying "Bambi...Bambi..." Oh, it was horrid! Bambi: Please! Get control of yourself, Candi! Olga Villiers? Are you certain? Where did you see her? Candi: Oh honestly, Bambi, you are blind! She's right there on your laptop, those photographs from Chessbase. She married Vlady on December 31, 2006! Bambi: WHAT? Candi: It's true! Did you never meet her at TIC headquarters? Bambi: No - no, I never did. That horrid Riktor Frogius fired us shortly after the 2000 Brain Games Championship, and I haven't been back to TIC since. Ohmygoddess, are you sure it's her? Candi: Sure I'm sure. I forget names all the time, but I never forget a face. That's her! Bambi: Oh, oh - I've got to think about this for a minute - my head hurts! Goddess! Candi: Oh, Bambi! I believe you are discombobulated! Here, sit down, have some of my Chivas Regal with a cherry on top. Bambi: Thank you, Candi. Ohmygoddess! Well, you said something strange was going on, and it certainly is! Only think - Olga Villiers is married to Vlady; Vlady beat, no, he not only beat, he humiliated and destroyed Kaspy, he crushed him, in the London match; Olga Villiers does that embarrassing interview with Kaspy and Mig. Now here is Vlady eight years later married to That Woman! Coincidence? Candi: Are you asking me or telling me? Bambi: That was a rhetorical - oh, never mind. Candi, I smell a rat! Candi: Or a skanky beaver... Bambi: Ohmygoddess! I feel so used! The Hex! Candi: Oh yes, you were going to tell me all about that. What was The Hex? Bambi: Candi - use your brain! It was us! We were The Hex! Candi: Ooooh - er, okay. Bambi: That dirty rotten filthy Communist Nazi Frogius - oh, I could just kill him! I'll strangle him with my thighs - I'll strangle him with one thigh tied behind my back! Candi: Bambi, please! Control yourself. Underage people read the columns at Goddesschess, you know! Bambi: Well, they aren't supposed to! I can't control the Entire Universe, Candi. If underage people are reading our columns at Goddesschess, they'll just have to suck it up and get over it! Candi: Never apologize, never explain. Bambi: Oh, you are so right, Candi! I smell Frogius all over this Operation, his filthy fingerprints are everywhere! Ha! Candi: Ha! Okay, how do we get him? Bambi: Oh Candi, you are my very best friend in the entire world, but I wouldn't ask you to undertake this desperately dangerous mission with me. You could get hurt. Candi: Oh! Er, well, okay. I'm all for fun, but not much for danger - Bambi: Candi! I was only kidding, of course! Candi: Oh! Er, well, of course! A horse is a horse, of course, of course, unless of course, the horse is hoarse, la la la la, la la la La, la la La LAAAAAHHHHH... Bambi: Candi! Oh, you are sooooo brilliant! That is exactly the answer - Candi: Oh! Er, well, of course! A Knight Move? Bambi: Precisely! Candi: Oooooh, I can hardly wait. I just love Knights and Their Moves! But Bambi, won't you please explain to me just how we were The Hex? Bambi: Not now, Candi. We've got lots of work to do -
Oh oh! What are those Showgirls plotting? Will it have an impact on Vlady's - er, GM Vladimir Kramnik's, play during the second half of the Match? Will a Knight Move come into play (hint hint)? And just what was The Hex, exactly? Stay Tuned for MORE LAS VEGAS SHOWGIRLS!

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