Friday Night Miscellany

Ohforgoddesssake! That !$*(E%&^*#@ snow plow driver was back today! It wasn't bad enough he came through Tuesday morning just after I shoveled myself out from six inches. Nooooooo. He came back Wednesday during the day, the sneak, when I was at work, and plowed me in again because he did such a piss-poor job of plowing the first time. And so, I shoveled out again, casting half of the ice-hard boulders back out into the road to melt in the sun and be smushed by the traffic. Thursday night we received less than an inch of snow. No plow in sight, a salter came through well before I went to bed. Ah, I thought, relief. But - the demon plow driver had me fooled. He came through today, again while I was at work. This time he really did a number of me. Not only did he plow me in yet again (the third time this week), I believe he was drunk because there are waves of snow shoveled up far onto people's lawns all up and down the street. Miraculously, the snow banks across from my house and all along that side of 83 Street are only 2 feet tall; the snow banks on my side of the street are 5 feet tall. Can you please explain this to me? How is this physically possible for three feet more of snow to have fallen on my side of the road? The answer is - it is NOT physically possible! He's doing it on purpose! So there I was, trudging down the road tonight, loaded down with groceries, and I round the corner toward my house just a bit up the way and see a NEW mountain of snow across the entire base of my driveway. And so, I had to shovel out again. This time, he also plowed a ton of new ice-hard snow boulders into the area I had excavated in front of my mailbox and newspaper tube. More excavation work. Everything was rock hard in the sub-freezing temperatures by the time I got home. But I had very little choice but to shovel out one more time, since we may get another 10 to 12 inches on Sunday and if I don't shovel now I may never get out of my house down to the road Monday morning. This time, I put nearly ALL of the gigantic ice boulders back into the road as far as I could fling them in my rage-fueled strength. I swear, some of those suckers must weight 50 pounds. I believe I even turned a bit green, grew about 2 feet taller and bulked up about 300 pounds, snorting steam from my nose the entire time. I worked for an hour and cleared a small area in front of the mail box, and cleared the rock hard 2 foot tall mountain of ice boulders the demon piled up in the base of my driveway. I probably have another hour to clear the rest of the drive, which I will do tomorrow morning. Short of staking out the driveway, I have little hope of catching the demon plow driver and driving that stake through its heart I've got at the ready at my front door. And so, I have come up with a plan. A plan that will end the demon's encursions onto my driveway forever. Tonight I built - oh so carefully - a snow dam just to the south of the "end" of my driveway - or what would be the end of my driveway but for the five foot high and five foot thick snowbank now sitting there jutting out into the road. The snow dam now extends three additional feet into the road; by the time I finish shoveling out the rest of my driveway, it should be about 4 feet high. In that snow dam are strategically placed ice boulders - with plastique explosives embedded in them. Mr. Demon will think "ha, she thinks she can stop my mighty plow with that puny attempt at a blockade?" and he will go full steam ahead toward the snow dam. And he will hit my ice bombs. KABOOM! Oh, I can hardly wait! My house will be protected by the now harder than concrete 5 foot tall snowbank. The demon plow driver will be blown back to perdition, where he belongs. And if he leaves a little blood and guts behind dangling in the shrubbery, so much the better. It will serve as a talisman against demon plow drivers for the rest of the season. My Incredible Hulk powers have now deserted me, and I'm exhausted. No strength left to do the usual Friday Night Miscellany, my feeble fingers can hardly strike the keys with enough force to get the letters to appear on the screen...